Purloined Post Card From the Heartland

Hack by Russians from the 

printerfile of the O family in 

western Pennsylvania. Released 

into the social mediaverse for 

unknown motivations:

From All The Os

to all of YOs!

Dear Cousin, (forgive the mimeograph)

Merry Christmas from the heartland and the O home!!. Christmas (say “Merry Christmas” three times!) makes us remember how happy we are that America is on the road to greatness again, like back when families cared for one another (OK, slavery, but…) as Roy Moore reminded us. And a tax break is coming!! (Our accountant says not for us - but he’s Democrat liar.) All the jobs are coming back to our local iron foundry, a little fairy told me on the Internet.  O Jr., our college grad (the one living in the basement) is looking forward to some good paying work worth his time. Thank you President Trump!!  Our heating bills have been running a little high, so we’re switching back to coal even though our nasty neighbor says it will “dirty up” her laundry on the line - we think she’s a closet Democrat. Oh, I should have said Demo-rat. LOL!!  BTW, Mr. O. got a nasty infection in his foot and our Bronze Plan wouldn’t cover it unless it had to be amputated. He is doing great learning to use the peg… step, thump, step, thump. LOL!!

Well, I could go on with more news, but I have to run to my second job at Sam’s Club so I have to save my strength. Peace on you all!!!

Mrs. O

There, I did it. My very own fake news. The genesis of this bit was as a response to a friend's column.  Stephan Helgesen writes opinion and observation columns for several publications, paper and online. Here is the column: (You can see where I got "O" as a name.)

The Nothing Happened Here at All Christmas Letter

Some people send out yearly 'Christmas Letters' along with their cards. I used to as well until I reviewed a few of my older ones one evening. They all sounded boastful. You've probably received a few of these, yourself. See if you can recognize this letter, but before you do you should know that I applaud achievers of any age (especially those my age and older). I admire their energy and drive and wish them the best  and I especially enjoy reading their letters... 

"Hi, Merry Christmas from the 'X' family! This year has been full of surprises, a few of which we actually planned long and hard for. We both lost weight and are now looking like we did in high school - svelte and utterly irresistible! Mrs. 'X' decided to get her second doctorate, this one in 'Interplanetary Ecological Diversity' after she attended a stimulating seminar in Geneva at the Institute for Upper Class Smugness given by that world renown lecturer, Dr. I.M. Brilliant, III. She also decided it was time to become a neurologist and got her medical degree as well. In her spare time, she wrote two new books, one entitled, "The Science of science: Where did Evangelicals go wrong," and "Recalibrating the Universe: A guidebook for living under despotic Republican Rule."

Amazingly, she found time to help orphans, the homeless, and abandoned farm animals through her efforts in three local charities. She was so impressed at how much money they could rake in that she formed her own non-profit with funding from George Soros and Michael Bloomberg (more information is available at: www.stoptherightatallcosts.org). As for me, I am still consulting and took on two new clients this year: the Harassment Caucus of the House of Representatives and the #metoo abused women of America. Some would say that there is a conflict of interest here, but my motto has always been: "If your money is green and can be spent, then my advice you can always  rent." 

For those of you following the news, you've probably seen me on PBS, MSNBC and CNN. Seems like the media can't get enough of me, especially when I bring one of the new members of the caucus along. As a follow-up to my TV appearances, I recently chaired a panel on "How to date without dating: The art of the air kiss and the non-hug hug for today's new man." It was well-attended, but there were a few protests from long-haul ice truckers and several members of the Iron and Steel Workers' Union local #32.

Mrs. 'X' and I decided that we needed to check a few items off of our bucket list, so we both ran for a seat in the British Parliament (didn't win because of some silly residence requirements). We also built a life-size replica of the great pyramid at Giza in our backyard, and after a few days' rest vowed to solve the Israeli-Palestinian crisis (still working on it). Our children, U, V and W are doing well. U is completing her masters on "Parental Dysfunction among Millennials." Our twins, V and W (who were named after our first car and the site of their conception) have volunteered for the next manned space launch (they are determined to set foot on Mars or some other planet). 

Both have received awards from MOMA (the Museum of Modern Art in NYC) for their avant-garde sculptures of 'Hillary Clinton as seen through the prism of a Bushes Baked Beans can.' I can't tell you how proud we are. The grandkids, R and S have entered pre-school and are busy studying for their Wall Street broker's licenses. We expect great things from them by the time they hit middle school. Wish we had more to tell; this year has been kind of thin. Hope you are well and we look forward to hearing about your exciting experiences in 2017. Best Wishes from the 'X's."

Well, after receiving THAT I decided to compose my own letter. I call it the 'Nothing happened here at all Christmas letter.' "Dear all, Mrs. 'A' and I have absolutely nothing to report this year. We stayed home and read books and didn't go anywhere or meet anyone interesting or uninteresting. We did feed the squirrels, saved a few birds from a freezing winter and planted a few vegetables if that counts. Our grown children are doing their best to be good parents and are facing great challenges, but we are supportive of them. 

Our grandkids are very loving and we're very proud of them. As for Mrs. 'A' and myself, we're doing what we can to make the world a better place by being more forgiving, patient and tolerant and to resist being envious of others. Merry Christmas! Yours, the 'A's."

Stephan Helgesen is a retired career U.S. diplomat who lived and worked in over 30 countries. He is now a political analyst, strategist and author of eight books and over 750 articles on politics, economics and social trends. He can be reached at stephan@stephanhelgesen.com

Merry Christmas to all, and a better new year!

olde Scooter (alias Mrs. O)